Finding Attachment
by Gweargroal
Summary: Work made in three parts to explore the dynamics behind the season 8 finale. Any relationship has its complications. Some seem calm and free, others are buried through burden. Losing the people we love takes a strength few thinks they possess; although it is life to get through the hardships and harvest what we can from it.


p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Part 1/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Adam knew when to let go. He was at this point now. It was only futility to try and keep hoping Shiro would stay. He did love him, but the more time passed, the more he knew they were at cross way. He could not keep him from dreaming big, from attaining the stars and explore the universe, even though it meant bigger risks than he would have liked./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""If you decide to go, don't expect me to be here when you come back." Those were the words he had told him. It hurt when he said them, and he secretly hoped that it would mean so much for his lover and that he would stay with him, until it ended./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Every decisions in life was a risk when you looked at it. Here, he had taken the risk of posing this petty ultimatum, even though he knew it would bring them further apart. He was not blind. Each passing weeks he could see how Shiro, despite slowly dying, wanted to achieve his dreams. And he could not hold it against him, even if he did held those shared and sacred moments together./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"When Kerberos parted for the stars, he kept his emotions at bay. There was no necessity to grieve something that Shiro did not share anymore with him. When he reached their shared dorm, the pain flared up. Was it irrational of him to have wanted Shiro to stay with him? To play it safely, to be with whom he loved as much? He hit the wall with his fists that night, before sleep finally greeted him as he curled his body into the smallest ball, holding his knees tight against his chest, making it painful to breath in between sobs./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He thought he had cried all of what he could of their ending relationship. Still, it was once you let your loved one go that it becomes the hardest. Pouring all of his heart into his job so one day he would soar through the air did give him a bit of solace; he had to remain focused to not let his mind slip for a tiny fraction of seconds. It all came down at night, when he revisited those moments in his dreams, despite relying on every facts that he wasn't as important as he had thought to be for Shiro./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Those smiles, those eyes challenging him, bringing out the best out of himself, only to catch up to Shiro who had his series of achievements. Adam was proud to know he had helped him get there, and it was a silver lining to have brought him to take his chances despite the illness./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"At some point he had known it would end either way. Shiro had always been dreaming of reaching the galaxy, and he would not let anything stand in its way. It was only in an organic way that he had followed him and give him a hand to achieve his goal. Letting him go was the last thing he had to do, because he knew his lover wouldn't have put it out so clearly./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Communicating about his feelings weren't his forte, they had both learned through fights./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""You should have told me," he had let out one night, holding him close as they both let their heartbeats come back to a peaceful rhythm./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Through his blurry vision he saw the sadness in those dark eyes. "When did you figure it out?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Adam bit his lips and instead shifted from his lying position to rest on his elbow, watching his other hand caress the faded scars right under his chest. "I want to marry you, Shiro." He ignored the widening looks he was given, focusing how the muscles imperceptibly flexed when he traced them down until resting near the pelvis. "You don't need to be alone in this, and I want to be there for you no matter what." And he had held his promise so far, until it was not enough for his partner./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""Why not wait for his return?" Colleen had asked him once, both on a break into the Garrison cafeteria, sipping coffee and watching him coming back to earth at her question with a calm stare./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He had closed his eyes momentarily, cleaning his glasses while putting his jumble thoughts back together again. "What would it bring me. I believe we were done, already. We outgrew it. He doesn't need my protection anymore…" He hated that his weariness was so apparent./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"A small smile formed on Colleen's lips, her eyes softening. "You still tried until the end. Give yourself time to heal your wounds and see where it goes when he comes back." She had chuckled at rising eyebrows and the piercing look she was given. "You have too much pride, Adam."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Did he? The words kept ringing into his ears, making their ways into his mind, putting down his wall of logic and facts. The anger he had felt left place to resentment. But slowly, maybe Colleen was right. Damn, she definitely knew them better than he thought. Or was it simply what she had understood of life as years had passed?/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He laughed eventually at his own stubbornness. Who, out of him and Shiro, would hold this petty ultimatum, he wondered. Which he easily knew the answer to: he would have to be the first one to step up to it before putting it down. If he truly wanted to be with him until the end, despite what it entailed, they had gone through too much to let it slide for his ego./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"When the news broke of the Kerberos mission failing, all of his logic and reason failed him again. He should not have imagined,- hoped for something more. Worse, now, has he had to mourn him sooner than what he had expected. He now had to truly let go of his friend, of his ex-fiancé. And he felt horrible at those thoughts. He felt horrible for seeing it that way. He felt horrible for being unable to process this in a logical manner. Their job meant risk, people died, accident happened and there was no way around it./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Why did he feel like he missed an opportunity, something he hadn't seen before? They had not really spoken after Shiro had announced him he would leave./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""I see," he tried not to hiss./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""Don't be like that, Adam," had grunted Shiro, before one of his palm hid his face and he took a breathe. He had crossed his arms on his chest in defiance, glaring into Shiro's eyes when he could see them once more. A sigh wa let out by his lover. "I want to do this. And you know better than anyone why. It's my life, or what's left of it that we're talking about."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He could not ignore the sourness he felt in his mouth at that moment, despite the strong hand holding his arms, trying to get him to change his mood. He had studied the floor for a moment, calculating what he could say and should not say; many words were at the tip of his tongue. "I get it. I wish you success, Shirogane."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He cringed at his own memories of it, adjusting the running speed of his treadmill. The last image of him saying he understood and wished him well, before leaving him into the hallway./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""Fuck that," he muttered, realising that exercising wouldn't bring any peace at the moment. He still had ton of documents to sort out now that he was gaining a new rank./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""Hey, Wilson!"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He looked up to the brown skinned man walking up to him, secretly hoping someone would pass by, but it was late and only two or three others persons were training at this time of the night, excluding them./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"They had started to talk from time to time while training. They had known each other, but never had really talked other than glances and nod of acknowledgement in their cadet training. Curtis was way too emotional for him./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""Hey, Curtis. I'm done training, you can have the treadmill." He passed him without much of a glance, ignoring the uneasy smile the tall man had offered him, putting his towel on his shoulders and heading for a much needed shower./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He was surprised to find out Curtis had turned back and joined him just as he was to hop under the hot stream of water, but it was sooned replaced by faint annoyance, hoping to scare him away./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""I wondered if maybe you would have liked to eat sometimes or the other." There, he had finally said it, and Adam could only praise his boldness. He knew Curtis was pinning for him, it was evident from his repetitive trial and error to approach him. Over time he had let him share his table while he ate, barely answering, acting out a semblance of camaraderie./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"It was his body needing to put the steam away that made him loosen the fresh towel he hold around is waist, his other cupping Curtis jaw before kissing him in a heated fashion. He groaned of pleasure when the ardent desire was given back, towels falling, hands roaming and clothes discarded./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"They both didn't fully register when they got under the water, but they both smiled hungrily as they closed the used curtain of the shared lavatory, their members pulsing for each touch and strokes given until Adam back touched the cold and humid tiles. Grinding against each other, Curtis obliged to the nudges he was given to switch positions, his body impatient as he was now trapped between Adam Wilson and the tiled wall./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He hadn't thought it would pan out this way. He barely knew him and he didn't fully know what it was that he was seeking, yet his body more than wanted it. He let out a moan as he felt a wet finger breach him with care in rhythm with each strokes he gave Adam./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""Did you bring any condom?" He barely registered the question that was breathed out./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Oh. He shook his head. "I… Aah- I didn't think… you would be this-" He bit his lips as he felt fingers brushing right at the good place, rolling his eyes in pleasure, arching his back. He felt a tinge as they slipped out of him./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""Wait a sec." He smiled at the order he was given, his hands taking the matter on their own accord as his eyes closed once more./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Adam shuffled with his training bag before finding the condoms he knew he had. He didn't stop to think if what he was doing was a good idea. He just wanted it, and for once of those rare moments, his mind effectively wanted to think of something else as he slipped it on./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Entering the sower, he felt heat in his groin at the sight of his fellow officer pleasuring himself. He kissed him once more, tongues playing, hands roaming over skin, their body grinding. "Turn around," he whispered into Curtis ear./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"***/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"The fact that they both were not working in the same area helped Adam to compartmentalize what he had decided. He had let his body roll with it, and it had made him feel better than he had in many weeks. He had relished the control he had had, and then he found himself desiring it once more./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He hadn't taken any time to talk with him, untangle what it was that they were doing. But they had fallen into this pattern of seeking each other whenever was possible. He couldn't keep himself from shuddering when he would slipped in until their skin touched. It had been such a long time he hadn't felt that way./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He smiled when Curtis went and sit with him at his table, chatting happily. He was happy for his newfound friend when he told him had gained a communication operator position. They made it into their bedroom far more often than hoped for. The openness Adam showed was enough for Curtis. They were comfortable around each other, and that was what matter to Adam./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"When Sam Holt came back, many emotions rushed through him. Learning Shiro was alive quelled the wound he wore for so many years. At last he would be able to finally close things properly with him. Tell him that he was sorry to have ended things that way, and that he was glad he could fulfill his dreams. How it had been immature of him to do it this way./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"They would be able to mend this, and be friends. And this is exactly what he felt was right. As he was fixing the ceiling, buried in his thoughts while one hand rested against Curtis' back and brushed his soft skin absentmindedly, he felt how everything was the way they should be. Despite the looming war, he thought they were going to be okay./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"This renewed hope and general lighter mood coming from Adam made Curtis happier./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"None of them had figured it would end so fast. When hell broke loose, fear installed itself deeply into their gut. Adam was sent against those Galra, Curtis was at his station, unable to do anything more than watch Adam's scadron be turned into ashes. Not even realizing that that was it./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"There were so much to do to survive the attack. He did not know how long it had been before he finally could rest in his quarter, sliding against the now closed door onto the floor. Into his silent chambers he let out ugly sobs, tears rolling down his cheeks, unable to breathe. He looked at his trembling hands and wondered how he could make such a blatant mistake. He should have made it harder and safer to decrypt that message./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"And despite the night being restless, he went back to his station, only to find himself unable to function, trembling and searching his breathe. He was dying, that was it. Oh, at first he thought that would have been better than having to be reassigned. The only sight of his station made him uneasy, sometimes he would simply vomit his lunch after a while that seemed unbearable./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He tried to find out if his family was alright, but communications were hazardous. They lived in New York Central, were a lot of skyscrapers had been hit, and he could only mourn them once more, thinking of all the people he knew who probably lost loved ones too while moving crates and helping organize refugees./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"This new regimen kept him busy despite his feelings, time only helping to wash the pain away, finding a new fond resolution to help the one in needs until he would be able to get back to his station./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""It was not your fault, you know?" said Mr. Holt, squeezing his shoulder lightly as they stood in front of Adam's memorial. "I should have thought about it too."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He bit his lips, scratching his forehead. "I know," he finally said, his hands resting back in their pockets. "I just wished it had gone differently."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"He heard the sigh. "Me too."/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;""Do you think they- that Voltron will come?"/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"Sam smiled sadly, taking off his glasses as he took in the memorial wall they had dressed for their fallen soldiers. "We can only hope," he murmured, his tiredness creeping in./p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"***/p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /p  
p style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"End of part 1/p 


End file.
